A Desire to Do Great Things
29 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: perfectionism
Today, for some reason, I have this strong desire to do something. Something great. I hate days like this, because I inevitably figure out that there’s nothing great for me to do, so I get mildly upset at myself for sucking. Today, I want to make a really fantastic piece of art. Something drenched in color, light and meaning. It’s not going to happen; I’m supposed to be resting my arm for Saturday and even if I wasn’t doing 24 Hour Comic Day, I wouldn’t know what to do. I know that the only way to get better is to practice, but something in my brain (we know what it is, yo ho perfectionism!) is stopping me from trying because I know I’m awful at anything other than black and white.
Still. The desire is there, a brave little ember in the midst of all this poison.
Just a quick note…
25 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
I haven’t really worked on anything this week. :S
I hope to spend tomorrow getting my stuff together!
An Update: Full of Awesome
18 Sep 2011 1 Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: 20, 98
Woo, almost missed the week update this week!
| This week started out poorly, but in the last few days I dragged myself out of the mud.I ended up making a piece of artwork that I consider to be the best thing I’ve drawn in year – not especially impressive, considering how little side artwork I’ve done, but I’m proud of it nonetheless —>My hair (98) is getting a bit… Macgyver. I really need someone to come help me trim it. I started goal #20 – Complete the Legacy Challenge. So far it’s just a big garden and tiny house, with my founder, her husband, a teenager and a toddler. I think I’m too task-oriented in my current playstyle to really enjoy 10 whole generations. |  |
I’ve started other things as well – yesterday I rearranged the office a little. Now the bookcase is immediately at my right hand side. All the materials that I need to reference during my work day – the facial expression book, my Strangers in Paradise graphic novels- everything is right there. I’m working on getting a solid schedule, getting up at the same time and keeping ahead of myself. It’s harder than it seems. When you’re not expected to be anywhere at a certain time, the morning can easily pass in an internet-clicking haze. Being your own boss is a tricky thing.
In the same vein, a friend linked me this post earlier this week, when I was in my pit. It made me think. I can’t remember ever feeling awesome. When I rearranged the office yesterday, I found a cache of old pictures and when I searched through them, I found a number of baby pictures that had the same, self-satisfied, purely joyful grin – and one of my smirk. It made me think about the things I tell myself; how, if I was talking to this baby kid, what would I say? It helps keep me kind to myself. What matters is that I remember, that everyone remembers, that at some point in their lives, they were cherished and protected and they laughed and did one leg, one arm pushups and ate grass and wore Mr. Potato Head glasses.
09 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: update
Hmm, not a whole lot to update about. I’m not really sure what happened to this week. Last time I remember looking up, it was Tuesday. I’m going to go ahead and blame a couple of flash games that shall remain nameless to protect those that have stuff to do. I haven’t even done the dishes this week. THIS WEEK.
I did tweak my list a little, and I figure I’ll probably tweak it some more. The way I see it, if I haven’t started it yet, I can change the goal and still win/pass/whatever. There are still a few things that I think are a little too amorphous, or have a possibility to be failed.
Talking Myself into Productivity
04 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: 77, comic, self coaching
I have this webcomic. It’s nine months old now. Half of the time, it’s okay. Occasionally, I fall in love with it and become obsessed with the story. But sometimes, as in the last few days, I hate it. It drags me down and makes the whole suck. Why? Because I don’t have a Plan.
I’m a planner by nature – a planner to a fault, a plotter and schemer and perfection junkie. (see: blog title) It’s strange, because when I write, I just wing it, and I love it. Perhaps that’s why I love writing – it’s a release from my neurotic brain. I’d had a desire to make a webcomic for years, but was always waiting for the right moment, when I had the right equipment or enough time or a magical pony to make it for me. Alex finally got sick of my NON-doing and bought me a Cintiq. Not as a shiny gift, but as a cattle prod: I can keep it if I continue to post the webcomic for two years. I had a few weeks over Christmas to plan, and on the first of the year, just jumped right in with a page that had taken me 12 hours to draw. No page I’ve posted since has been right. Everything happening in the comic now was not in my original plan, however sketchy that was. I’m completely lost and I have no idea how to find my way back.
This is not fun. This is giving me dangerously elevated blood pressure. And I’m not getting paid for it. It is, in fact, costing my husband money. I’m not using the Cintiq for anything beside the comic; I’ve made no finished personal works in well over a year. This is nothing new, I’ve been aware of this since March, but now I don’t even like drawing anymore. Anything more complicated than a cube on the side of the grocery list makes me cringe. Why am I doing this again? …. Actually, let’s work through it.
Why are you making a comic?
Because I have to.
Why do you feel that you have to?
People expect me to.
Who expects you to?
My husband; people who read it.
What about yourself? Do you expect yourself to make the comic?
Yes.
Why is that?
I don’t want to disappoint people. I’ve come this far. I need to finish something for once in my life.
You’ve finished things before. What is so special about this?
It’s OUT there. It’s in the public. And it’s just … it’s crap.
So you’re dragging your feet because you’re afraid someone will say your work is poor?
It is poor; they’d be correct.
It’s not poor – it’s rushed. There’s a difference. Do you think a plan would help you?
I don’t have time to make a plan.
You have time to play three different Flash games.
Games are nice for my brain …. I hate you.
So, you need a plan. You have plenty of time before the page is due. What should you do?
Um. Okay. Take care of basic needs – food, slippers. Then…
What if you were to take a notebook into the bedroom and sketch out a plan for the month.
I might fall asleep.
You won’t fall asleep if you’re working. Set an alarm for one hour and give yourself that time to work in quiet.
Okay. Food, sketch plan, then come back to the office, put my headphones on and get to drawing. And after it’s posted, I’ll make a new work schedule so I can avoid this problem in the future.
02 Sep 2011 2 Comments
I’ve set September 1st as my official start date for my 101 things, which means, according to timeanddate.com, that my due date for the items on this list is: Thursday, May 29, 2014. Not really sure how to kick this off, so I’m just going to start by listing things that I’ve gotten started.
- Donate 1,000,000 grains of rice through freerice.com (1180) … I was unaware of the different subjects available, so imagine my delight when I went to bookmark it this evening and found that I could use it to study French AND Spanish!
- Find 101 new words for my vocabulary (2/101) … As I traipse around the internet, I encounter words I don’t know. Words I have to look up. Words like ameliorating and sumptuary. Into my vocabulary list they go! I have no idea how I’m going to “complete” this one… someone may have to give me a vocabulary test.
- Grow out my hair to the middle of my back … Honestly, this is going to be a challenge. I haven’t had long hair since I was a kid. I always get annoyed and (literally, with a straight razor) hack at it until it’s short and comfortable and fuss-free. But I have rockabilly and steam-punk style desires, and I need the hair to match.
Gearing up for 101 in 1001!
31 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: PAX, perfectionism, update
I got back from Seattle at about three this morning. PAX was great fun, as usual. The Cookie Brigade raised a jaw-dropping $14,276 for Child’s Play in a mere three days, blowing past our previous record of $9,600 by a great deal. It leaves me with a shiny happy that offsets the bitter feminism that seeps under my skin and festers there for a while during and after PAX. You can’t have that many people in one place and not see or hear things that rub you the wrong way. As I get older, I’m finding it easier to shrug it off. Being angry and indignant just takes so much energy, and I’d like to do other things.
One hundred and one things, actually.
My list isn’t perfect; I’m still tweaking the things I want to do. In this way, we come to the point where I explain the name of this blog. It is a paraphrase of a line from Voltaire’s La Bégueule: “Le mieux est l’ennemi du bien.” I have taken it to heart, as I’m a dyed-in-the-wool perfectionist. I tend to let myself get so caught up in the methodology, or the puzzle-snap rightness of something, that it is quite difficult for me to actually complete anything. Material Components was my first step out of this mold, and it, by turns, thrills and terrifies me. It’s like that moment after the plane leaves a pocket of rough air; you’re freefalling and there’s nothing ahead of you or behind you, there’s only the moment.
A new year, a new blog…
19 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: life, update
Today was my 28th birthday. I went to bed at 6am, after staying up all night to finish the 86th page of my webcomic. I woke up at noon, tooled around on Pinterest, and, eventually, took a shower and baked a cake. The cake was a complete mess – it fell apart AND it tasted… well, savory. Bleah. Met friends for tacos, (note to self, Baja shrimp tacos… they’re your new favorite), took a detour to grab a slice of double chocolate mousse “cake” from Popover’s in Portsmouth, and then home, where I showed them Bastion. Now I’m alone with my ice cream and I’m thinking.
I’m thinking about how much I’ve changed since I was 18. I don’t have any records of that time and I’m glad. It was the first year of the Army. It wasn’t a shiny happy fun time. I hear of people writing letters to their younger selves… I don’t think it would do much good, in my case. I was spiteful, manipulative and desperate, not to mention addled with the mood swings of a Medusa coaster. I don’t need a written record to prove to me what a horrible person I was.
Happily, however, I can say that I’ve actually grown up a bit, chilled out, gotten fat and happy. And now that I’m approaching 30, I’m starting to think, hey, you’re worth writing down. The things you do, the person you are; it’s not perfect, but it’s good, and that’s good enough.
